The Conflict of Fear and Desire

The film adaptation of "Call Me By Your Name" took the world by storm in 2018 after featuring the previous year at Sundance Film Festival, and let me tell you, this film had people shook. It's not hard to understand why, with director Luca Guadagnino so perfectly capturing the essence of young summer romance. The sleepy town in northern Italy and it's understated 80's timeframe constructs a dreamy nostalgia for the watcher, making the film seem more like a distant memory. Perhaps one of my favourite things about Call Me By Your Name is that it captures a queer love story without sacrifice. No emotional turmoil, no judgement and no family conflict- it simply follows two men falling in love.

It has easily made its way onto my favourites list. So unsurprisingly,  I watched the film over and over and over and over, and never tired of it. 

Taking this into account, I decided it was only right that I read the book, which I of course fell head over heels for. Elio's first person account of his obsessive love, his exploration of sexuality and the surrender of both men- body and soul, makes you too feel you have experienced something once in a lifetime. 

Throughout the novel author André Aciman explores many themes, each introduced as a throwaway observation to be forgotten, then later resurfacing as an eloquent and philosophical argument intertwined with Elio and Oliver's story. One I especially contemplated was that of 'fear and desire'. This theme is a running stitch interwoven from start to finish, however Elio's deep self-awareness mean he mills and contemplates the presence of these feelings and the significance they play upon his life.

This underlying theme can be found in many of Elio's most prominent vulnerabilities. Oliver once remarks "If not later, when?" calling Elio's bluff of being 'too busy', and instead highlighting that he either lacks desire, or is blind-sighted by fear. A similar internal conflict can be sensed in Elio's question "is it better to speak or to die?". Should Elio abandon his fear and speak up for what he desires? Or is it better to kill that part of himself, turning a blind eye to his desire- snuffing out the flame.

However, this extract specifically captured my attention:

'There they were, the legacy of my youth, the two mascots of my life, hunger and fear, watching over me, saying, So many before you have taken the chance and been rewarded, why can't you? No answer. So many have balked, so why must you? No answer. And then it came, as ever deriding me: If not later, Elio, when?'

Elio's observation made me look up from the pages and think. Fear and desire. Could they be the two driving factors underlying every decision we make?  Is this a revelation, helping us to question our choices and have a better understanding of what we want, and thus what actions we must take?

So, here's my thinking: if every time we're in a situation whereby we don't know what to do, we simply take a step back and (broadly) question, 'am I scared of doing X?' or 'do I want to do X'?' then surely it would make life a whole lot easier.

For example, if you were contemplating a big move to a new city but weren't quite sure about the idea, you could take a moment of self-awareness to understand if you are scared, what you are scared of, and if/why you desire to move. If as Elio says, the two mascots of our lives are fear and desire, then I argue that recognition of this in times of uncertainty would help resolve considerable amount of our doubts and longings.

This hit me like an epiphany, and I'm still not sure whether this argument can apply to every aspect of life, small or large. I have a strong desire to eat pizza everyday, but fear for my health and fitness, and so fear wins this one. I'm not sure on the strength of the argument... but nonetheless, I will continue to question my emotional reactions in attempts to reach my goals in life, and even if it means I have a better understanding of myself, then I class that as a win.

To end this post, here are a few of my favourite extracts from the novel Call Me By Your Name.

"If I could have him like this in my dreams every night of my life, I'd stake my entire life on dreams and be done with the rest."

"At one hundred, surely you learn to overcome loss and grief- or do they hound you until the bitter end?"

"We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything- what a waste!"

"And on that evening when we grow older still we'll speak about these two young men as though they were two strangers we met on the train and whom we admire and want to help along. And we'll want to call it envy, because to call it regret would break our hearts."